Predictions

From where I'm standing, I think I caught your eye

Are you looking at me? 'Cuz I swear I saw you smile.

And I'm coming over, gonna take things off you mind.

And I bet you'll be fine.

It's strange, to think about the future. I just read an article in TIME magazine about the singularity movement and the 'year man becomes immortal'. I like to believe that fantasy because it excites me to know our world is headed in bigger directions then ever before, but another part of me knows truth is always stranger then fiction. It was predicted twenty years ago that in the 2000s we would be living on other planets or have homes in outer space. It was predicted that we would have robot friends who could think and have feelings. It was predicted that we would all drive flying vehicles to work and be eating only pills for meals.

By 2000 the world was suppose to end.

Now, the world will end in 2012.

Life is never predicable.

Okay, so it's no real news that the human race has gotten predictions wrong for years. But you have to admit, the technology age is a huge deal that is changing our world. I watched a preview for the "Social Network" back in August and cried because this truly is my generation of people causing the next big revolution. Myspace and Facebook will be printed in textbooks for my children's children to read. Three years from now my cell phone will be mocked for it's primitive nature. People will no longer look for news, the news will find them via phone and internet.

I was buying coffee from the mall last year and noticed that under it's sign a large Facebook box was printed saying 'Find us on Facebook!' ...A coffee shop! Something simple and homey now has everything to do with internet. And if you keep your eyes open, all you favorite shops are this way. Even my locally owned grocery store jumped on the bandwagon.

Who knows where all this social networking and media will bring us, even one year from today. Human mortality? I'm not sure yet. Predictions have been wrong, but it's exciting to think about it all the same.

What's even more exciting about this revolution?

I'm part of it.

Personal Note:

I've ruined it.

There is this sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach that I absolutely can't stand. Somehow, I manage to be an asshole to the nice guys. The ones who are strange and shunned from society but the better part of you knows they are decent and deserve a chance. Or maybe I'm just terrified because I work with him and have to face everyone tomorrow for hours.

Let me remind myself: I went on a date with a guy who has been asking me more months. I've told him I've been busy, but half of me wished he thought I was making excuses so he'd leave me alone. Then I felt like I led him on so I gave him a shot against my better judgment. Now I have to tell him I don't like him. Its going to be awful.

But, like all good things end; all bad things fade. I'll eventually get this sick feeling out of chest, and move on. ..And he'll eventually find a nicer girl than me to make him feel happy. I know this for a fact. However, knowing this is about as reassuring as knowing you'll eventually feel better from stomach flu. "Yes, I'll get better but It'd be nice if I wasn't sick in the first place."

As I tell myself at work many, many times. Grin and bear it.

Prime of Your Life

And somewhere maybe someday,

Maybe somewhere far away,

I'll find a second little person

who will look at me and say:

"I know you"

I want to do something big.

No really.

I've watched thousands of you-tube videos where the famous person in them was once an ordinary college student like me. Now they make appearances on TV. Or Fred, for example, was also from Nebraska and now he has his own MOVIE.

I've just read the book "Waiter Rant" about a average joe working as a waiter writing down all his waiting experiences and produced a successful blog and book series.

And I've watched, through facebook updates, a girl I graduated high school with begin and now successfully own a senior-photo taken business. (She also is now hired doing side jobs, taking pictures at events for Usher and Black Eyed Peas)

I know I'm in the prime of my life right now, and if I keep putting up with crap from walmart I'm going to piss my life away hoping that the magical day when I finally make enough money will come and I'll finally be able to pursue other things.

Well I need to face the music and understand that there is never going to be enough money. It doesn't matter if I pick up, god forbid, a THIRD job and blame bad card life chose to throw at me. I finally got the balls to quit walmart and next Friday will be my last day. (I AM SO EXCITED!)

This calls for a celebration. Not only because I am gaining a part of my life back, but because I have never intentionally quit/got fired from a job before. My last jobs I had to leave because I was moving.

Anyway, back to do something BIG. Maybe right a book, or start a business managing something cool and original. Because really, if the Fred from youtube can do it, anyone who really wants to can. That's just the thing. They have to really want to.

That't the tricky part for me as well. You see, I think too much. That's what I've pinned it down to. I don't like to take risks because I've seen failure. I'm terrified of it. I think too much about everything and then I miss out on everything. Starting something big means diving head first into my greatest fear: failure. And if I don't stop trying to be wise and taking advice, I'll miss out on life completely!

That's why I hate the idea of advice. If you don't so something yourself you'll miss out on many opportunities. I don't think anyone ever truly takes advice. The human soul sometimes just has to know. When you mom tells you not to date that boy and you don't (you'll always wonder). And if a wise quote tells advices you, "Look before you leap" you'll never hit the perfect time to tell a funny joke because you'll be too busy wondering 'will I offend someone, or maybe this might be out of line, or what if no one finds this funny." Pretty soon you're the the queer with his mouth open thinking he had something to say but missed his chance.

Well, this blog is sufficiently long and scattered and pointless enough to come to an end. To wrap everything up, I want to do something big and somewhat noticeable, and I don't think advice is worth but perhaps something to consider. Wish me luck.

Personal Note:

Like I said, I quit walmart. That's the biggest news.

I experienced my first one-night stand after finishing an entire bottle of malibu passion fruit by myself in under an hour. Woke up in a very hot guy's arms heartbroken that I let myself become such a whore. We work together. Needless to say, it's the hottest piece of gossip for the week at pizza hut. I try to avoid him at all costs. Avoidance is key, and cracking a joke if I have to.

My walmart csm stalker keeps asking me on date after date after date since I keep turning him down. I guess I'll give him a shot if he's really that into me. Kinda freaks me out though.

Erin is my new best work friend. She's everything I hoped a person could be. Weird, but smart. Odd, but interesting. She smokes a lot of pot but that doesn't bother me at all. (Secretly, I really want to try some. I just think it would be an expensive habit.) Anyway, I hope to keep the friendship fire aflame.

Ego Boast

You keep shining on, shining on

But you'll never know where your place will be-

And I guess it's true that you're not me.

It's valentine's day and it hasn't been bad at all. There are days where I feel extremely unloved and unnoticed, like I don't matter to anyone at all. Other days I feel like my life is right on track, that my friends might actually like me and that I am loved. It really just depends on the level of stress I am feeling that day.

Anyway, this boy texted me today. Me and him have been friends since my sophomore year (so that makes it, uh, three years now?) For two years we had an on and off 'thing', and the third year we both had a cool-off period. Also, during that past year, he dated and fell in love with his current girlfriend. He moved, I moved. Both on to other people and to other cities.

Anyway, he texted me. And has been texting me at random moments all this year. He's recently told me that he sometimes goes through moods where he really misses me. Really misses me. And wants to see if I ever miss or think about him. I find this to be CRAZY because in all honesty, I don't miss him. I really don't think about him at all. And I feel bad, so I lie and tell him that I still sometimes think about him too. At least this new greatly increases my ego today. Along with the date requests from my wal-mart supervisor.

So valentines day has not been horrible at all.

Nevertheless, I still work way too much and I am so happy to make the decision to quit a job. (Walmart) Now if only I could find the balls to go through with it....

Personal Note:

I worked fifteen hours straight on Saturday. I went home, showered, passed out cold. Woke up early to my alarm to go back to work for another nine hours. Got off at five, did homework until one in the morning when my eyes stopped working. I woke up early to finish homework that was due that day. Yep. That is how my weekend went.

"Study night" night tonight in Cynthia's room. It's pretty fun! Oh, and my roommate definitely hated me- I've heard stories of her talking shit about me all around at work. Bitch. But neither of us ever said anything to each other. I sleep in my own bed now and she hasn't said anything since. I'm hoping it'll just fade away.

Mysterious Illness

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

-Stop this pain tonight-

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with this blog. This semester is moving faster than anyone would of expected. I just have so much to do and so little time to get everything done. Even if I were an overaciever (yeah I can't spell, get over it) I don't think I would have free time left. Online homework is killing me.

But what's killing me worse is this strange sudden illness that has suddenly taken over my life. Friday morning I woke up early to do Botany homework, and received strange cramps and aches in my stomach. I slept till three p.m., woke up feeling okay and went to work. At work the cramps returned for a short while, and went away.

I decided to go to bed early that night, (9:30!) only to be stuck with the worst upper stomach pains ever. I rolled around in a ball for hours with the pain. I went into the bathroom and forced myself to throw up to try to stop the pain with no success. I slept in the red room downstairs like a drunk hobo hoping a change of scenery might change my condition. Still nothing. I drove to the ER, walked in, asked about the cost and decided to wait until morning to do anything about it. (Mind you I was schedualed to work nine hours the next day at walmart) So I called in sick to walmart, crawled around the hallway until a friend found me and told me to rest in her bed until the clinic opened at nine.

The clinic did nothing but nod, and give me presciption medicine. Saying it should go away in a few days.

I woke up later saturday evening with HUGE red and white hives covering all of my legs. Saturday-Sunday was a blur. Monday I realized I missed accounting deadlines, had a huge Botany Exam to take, and classes to go to. I was covered in hives again, but they slowly dissappeared as I woke up. I drove to the clinic, where a different doctor nodded and gave me another perscription. I said, screw it. I took and failed a botany exam, an accoutning quiz and exam, and failed that week's homework assignment.

This morning the hives were all over my arms and legs. I have no stregnth in my arms, and it hurts to move my neck. But the stomach pains are gone! So I am trying to be as productive as possible while I can.

Wow, what a boring blog to read.

Oh well.

PERSONAL NOTE:

I fear my roommate hates me. I sleep in her bed more than mine because mine is such a mess and her's is so much more comfortable. Plus, since my sickness the room is a disaster. She snuck in last night to take the last of her stuff and I don't think she plans to come back. I feel incredibly lonely and wish more than anything to drive home and sleep on the old brown couch where my mom can force me to take vitamon C tablets.

I'm also petrified that if I don't get better soon I will flunk out of college.

Dear God, please help me.