A Little Lonely

Drink up, baby. Look at the stars.

I'll kiss you again, between the bars.

Separate from the rest, but I like you best

and keep the things you forgot.

~"I like your hair.... I like your earrings...."

So, before I start my first accounting exam I would really like to write a bit.

I feel very left out.

With both my dorm friends and work friends.

My dorm friends can suck it. I don't care if they are re-forming and choosing favorites. Honestly, they mean very little to me.

But my work friends are cool. They are people I look up to. But they are slightly older then I am. Slightly more legal to drink and attend bars. I am invited to some parties, but I think they feel uncomfortable inviting me since I am so young.

I want so very much to be older and with them. I wish I was able to walk into a bar and order a drink without being terrified of getting caught. I wish I had friends like I had at home who would always invite me to parties. I wish I had someone to connect with.

I wish so many things.

I spend a lot of time alone in my room doing homework. Hours wasted on assignment after assignment. Even now, I should be doing my accounting exam. Or health quiz.

I have lots of 'friends' but no one I feel very close to. No one who really understands me, my humor, or my beliefes. Nor do I feel I've met anyone who would care to find out. Sad day.

So many friends now and none of them mine...

forgotten as soon as we meet.

-the bravery

Personal Stuff:

My hours have started increasing again. I'm just starting to get the hang of classes. Allyson and I made a trip to Rapid City on Friday, and I must add that my first trip to South Dakota was a success! My arms are sore today because of what happened saturday morning. Lets just say I'm not proud of myself. Lastly, I still really REALLY want a haircut. But when? How?

Pretty Doesn't Make It Easier

If this is it -When all we have and ever will
If this is it -Time is running out and standing still.
I'll leave today -Cause there's nothing left to keep me here.
I'll fade away -I'll turn my back and disappear.

I'm in an interesting mood.

I should get shit for school done but I'm in no mood to do more work then I have to at one time. (.....I should start sleeping in my own bed. But for some reason, no matter where I am, I can't stand my own stuff!)

Here's a confession: I'm only writing this blog tonight because I'm avoiding homework and I really, REALLY wanted to post some good song lyrics. Heh.

I've recently been obsessed with looking at all the beautiful people on facebook. Mainly the beautiful girls on facebook. Sometimes I study their faces and wonder what makes them so much prettier from you or me. Their noses? Their tan? Their make-up?

Because truth is, I'm really not pretty. I'm really not. It's not like I'm depressed about it or obsessed or anything. I just feel cheated. However, I read on postseceret.com that 'prettier doesn't make it easier' and that felt really really comforting to me. Because, if you really think about it, its so true! I mean, I'm not ugly by all means, so I'm actually fairly well off next to a poor deformed or scared girl. And seriously, looking at those pretty girls... I know most of them are far more fucked up then I am.

I also think because I'm not pretty I am exceptionally socially awkward. Pretty people don't have to be funny or well spoken. They can be as weird as they want and people still love them! But average people like me need some sort of spark to be liked! We need jokes to make people laugh. We need to know what to say and when to say it. Otherwise, we are just another person! This too, makes me feel cheated. I have not yet mastered joke making as I have a very VERY dry humor that most people don't get. I feel very much unaccepted. Maybe I'm just being sensitive. Boo.

Anyway, that's my take on pretty girls. I would be lieing if I said I wouldn't kill to be pretty. But to be perfectly honest, I don't care enough to stress about it. I can't change a thing, and I can accept that. Which in some cases, makes me far more ahead then some of those 'pretty girls'. Ah, well.

Personal Notes:

I'm on season 3 of skins. The ending of episode 6 made me seriously cry. I've never cried over a tv show before but classical music very much a large weakness of mine.

My hours have been seriously cut at both jobs. I should be thankful but with this semester's bill due soon, I can't help but be worried. Everything I've save is gone! GONE! Ugh. Dorm friends are in a feud and splitting apart one by one. I knew this would happen. Had a fun party last night with good friend Nichole! She invited me over for laundry and before I knew it was playing spoons and getting drunk with joe, kyle, donnie, tory, and even julie. allyson showed up to give me a ride. my leg got bit twice! Good times!

Update: a bunch of randomness

I carry your image always in my head-

Folded and yellowed and torn at the edge.

And I've looked upon it for so many years

Slowly I'm losing your face.

My friends forgot me for dinner! :(

Ah, well. I don't have a phone and it's for the best. I have to work soon anyway, and I would never have enough time to eat. Class's are kickin' off and I'm already behind. Damn that procrastination of mine.

I am obsessed with smelling good. (Apparently this is a common obsession?)

My best friend is obsessed with gangsters... but I'm obsessed with skaters. You know, the retro wearing, skinny framed, emo-shoed kind of guys? They make my heart melt. However, my ex-boyfriend was the ideal looking one that made me go further into my belief that I should never trust men. There is a cute guy I just met that looks exactly like him! I both attracted and disgusted by him. Oh well.

On a side note, I have wasted over fifteen hours watching the UK version of Skins on you tube. It is simply fantastic. And I have been talking to myself in a british accent ever since. Man, I wish I had a british accent. Cheers! Anyway, the show reminds me of the Canadian 'Degrassi' -except Degrassi is a million and one time STUPIDER. Not to mention fake as fuck.

Ok, so Skins isn't perfectly realistic either, but it is so much more believable. The characters actually act and react like real people, which is extremely refreshing. Not to mention that there are no real 'heart-warming' scenes with cheesy music and all that regularly found in a drama. I haven't yet finished off season two, but I've had work to do.

....Speaking of work... I gotta run!

Personal Note:

Study group tonight with Allyson, Danny, and Abby. I'll probably not get anything done. I'm so tired. The idea of doing anything after work is exhausting. My phone has been lost for the past six days. Something needs to get done around here! I still badly need a hair cut! UGH!

We'll All Be Fine

Take your time. Take a breath.

Disregard the rest.

The falling chains. The falling lies.

Make pretend you're mine.

If everyone knew that they would be fine in the future... then I think no one would have a reason to regret something.

Think about it. If you could go back in time, back to jr-high and re-live it, wouldn't you do it in a heart beat? I mean, sure, you're probably one of those people who are all like 'I live with no regrets. I would never change a thing about my life' ...yeah whatever dude. But seriously, if you were put back into your jr high life and were given a second chance to re-live everything all over again, wouldn't you be so much more calmer and 'cooler'?

Maybe this is because you see yourself more responsible or smarter. But I think the biggest reason why you would be able to get through it all easier is because you know that you're going to turn out fine in the future. You'll be okay. You won't be any less of yourself because someone didn't like you, or your best friend stole your boyfriend, or you wore the same shirt as polly-picks-her-nose smith.

Because really, everyone is paranoid about being fine. They don't know if they're life will be ruined because they didn't make enough friends, or money, or right decisions. They don't know where there life will head because of something they say or do. If we knew for sure that six weeks, five years, or decades later we would be just fine, would we make the same choices we do now? Or would we relax and do something for ourselves?

Just a thought for tonight.

Personal Stuff:

My favorite friend Mackenzie is heading down here to good old Chadron tomorrow and I hope we have a blasty blast -even if I work 2-11 pm, 10-7 pm, and 10-6 pm while she here. Also, I had fun closing Pizza Hut with elisha tonight! she is the bomb.com! :)

REMEMBER TITLE, 'KTHANKS!

Keeping Myself Motivated...

I found blood and I saw stars

All in the back seat of you car

And I told you it was love...

But you won't know the truth

I have recently been working on a new story called "The Barn". It's basically about a guy who is slowly figuring out that life is more then just drinking and smoking weed. Mean while his alcoholic girl friend and college buddies start to irritate him to the point of frustration, leaving him no good place to turn to to start over.

It starts off really good but now I've gotten a little tired of it. I know how I want it to end, but my plot is getting flat on me, like it tends to do for almost every story I have ever written. I'm trying my best to stick this one out though. If only I can thin

k of a way to push my character over the edge....

Here are some photos I stole off facebook and edited them as potential 'book covers'.

I feel like a total creep stealing them without asking... but oh well. No one reads this blog anyway. And it's not like anyone is going to see the 'book cover'... since the story won't even get finished.

... I think I like the first one the most, since I've always been a 'clean picture' person. (It's of the main character, Max) But the second one shows my idea of an actual barn party, (it's of drunk people partying.. in a barn!) and it's dark and eerie, like the silent theme of my story. Oh well, like it matters!

An Inspiration to my Inspiration

I'll run away with you

We can build a goldmine.

We'll cross the sierra child,

I'll be the truth for you

So maybe my hard work doesn't go unnoticed after all.

I was told by my work hero today that I am an inspiration to her.

My work hero was the girl who trained me at pizza hut several months ago. She doesn't take crap from anyone. She is a very strong person, cares about both the company and the customer, and believes in doing things right; not cutting corners.

She told me today that she truly admires me and my work ethics. I have good morels, she says. And she has told all her friends about me. 'My mother knows your name, I talk about you so much.' she says.

My other manger, standing behind me completely agreed. 'You inspire me too' she said without question.

I was so flattered I really had no idea what to say. In fact, I just felt my face get hot. I wondered if I should I crack a joke? Laugh it off? I thanked them and told them I'm not inspiring, I'm just crazy. They told me they would of exploded by now if they were me.

I told the truth and told them I had angry dreams.

Let me tell you -it was the funniest thing they had ever heard. We laughed and laughed.

But in all honesty, I do. I have very angry dreams. I dreamed I got so angry at my mom I started choking her. Just wrapped hands around her heck and shook her back and forth. I will get in arguments with my sisters in my dreams and be so furiously angry I will cry with rage. I break things in my dream. I slap/hit/punch/claw family members, and hurt myself too. And it's becoming a pretty common dream as well.

My reasoning for all this? Back when I worked a lot of hours at home I took a lot of my anger out on my family. I picked fights. I took offence to everything. I would smart-mouth or yell at my parents. And now that they are 500 miles away, I have no one to take my anger out on. So I resort to a non-exhistant family in my head.

I am truly messed up. Haha.

Hours this week: 33-walmart 22-pizza hut

School starts next week! Yikes!

It's 2011 ....I Smell Mold.

Hello darkness my old friend.

I've come to talk to you again.

I am not.at.all excited about everyone coming back to the dorms this upcoming weekend. Really. I'm not. Sure, I have nine or ten friends who live in the dorms and left me all break, but it would be a lie to say I've missed them.

Let's be honest. They have no reason to like me. Or hate me. I'm just never around. I've missed all the breakfasts, lunches, and dinner dates. I've missed movies, dances, and parties. I've missed all the drama, all the inside jokes, and all the other reasons how friends become actual... friends.

So they have no reason to miss me either. I'm just someone they can wave at and say, 'hey naomi!', even though recently, before they left, they haven't even been doing that.

My dorm friends are a group I don't even like to hang around any more. When two or more of them are together, it's just a big inside joke session that I don't feel a part of. When it's just me and one dorm friend, its just one big session of them complaining about a fight with another dorm friend, or some other family drama I could care LESS about. None of them are interested in me and my problems. I'm tired of being a therapist.

So, along with the fact that the bathrooms will be crowded again, and I will have to worry about who will be walking down the hall the same time as me in just my towel, my dorm friends I also have to worry about now that second semester is starting.

They are like a delicious sandwich rotting away. At first it was wonderful, and looked wonderful. It was important to me. But then it just sat there and rotted. It continues to rot. And it's starting to smell bad. When do I throw it away? Or is there something to salvage?

...and now time for work!

hello walmart my old friend.