Nerdy Nightlife

I'm just learning how to smile

It's not easy to do.

We're just waiting for the day

When you say 'baby let's just run away'

So I am currently watching the first pokemon movie with my new roommate Danny. He also just made me homemade dirty mashed potatoes as I drink Arizona tea inside our warm house with wifi internet.

This is the life, I'm telling ya.

Personal note:

I have started another blog on another account. A little more excited about it than this one. I might be a wee bit un-active on this account.

Would you sleep with a bi-sexual?

But please don't give up dear walls,

Don't let the ceiling fall-

When you belong

to a song,

Salty Eyes.

You belong.

Crappy internet is crappy.

On to other news...

If you haven't heard of TED talks then you MUST go to youtube immediently and watch some of it. Here, I will post a link to a good one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

I have become obsessed with watching these. Along with Vsauce =probably the most interesting videos ever... And they are pieced together so that they are quick and easy to watch. Just what my brain loves.

Like I said in my last post, I am striving to become the most knowledgeable I can be. However, I also want to learn quickly, not spent years reading and researching. Okay, maybe that makes me lazy but to me, I am almost 20 and need to hurry up with this whole 'understanding the world' phase I am in.

I love my roommate allyson... only one month left till I move. I am going to miss living with her. Hopefully me and Danny get alone just as well. Already hit a few snags. Damn you money, for being just a big FREAKING deal and coming between friends!

Personal Note:

Like my title? Currently some dude is trying to 'get' with me and I am 99% sure he is into dudes. Which upsets me for two reasons. 1.) Do I remind him of a man and that is why he likes me? Now I am paranoid about it. 2.) I cannot even get any type of ego boost from this intrigue because of reason #1. Damn!

(Yes, I enjoy getting an ego boost from men taking an interest in me because IT DOESNT HAPPEN OFTEN and everyone has their own things to get them through the day.)

Lastly: I partied my face off last Saturday. Got trashed. Got sober. Remembered everything. Lets do this again sometime....

Content

I do believe
In everything you see.

As far as I know this very well may be the happiest days of my life.
No, I am not in love just yet. Still wishing...
But I am very happy for the little town I have found to live in and my friends that reside here as well. I have everything I could want here:

1. a car
2.a job
3. a trailer
4. a roommate I get along with
5. a surplus of people my age
6. few enemies
7. A bank AND savings account with money in it
8. Endless edges of knowlege at my fingertips.

Ah, if only I felt like going to ten, but I am too lazy.
Yes, I just put a desposit on a trailer with my best gay friend ever. I was terrified at first because yes, it is a trailer and I despise them. But I am getting more and more excited about it so hopfully that rolls over well.

Recently took a trip to Linocoln to watch the sister run. Mom is now kinda sorta in a relationship. Dad went off the deep end, and Molly never fails to amaze me how much like me she really is.

I am so passionate about gaining knowledge it might almost be a sin. My current goal and wish more than anything is to be highly intelligent. Since we are either born one way or the other I must unfortunetly keep dreaming since I was born perfectly average. However, this won't keep me from lusting over knowledge. (By the way, Youtube never fails to amaze me with its videos... the things I've been learning from there! Wow!)

It's my first day off since last Sunday, and I have done absolutly nothing all day! Depsite my dire situation to get shit done I just can't work without building up a bit of pressure!

And oh yeah, I am itching to write again! I feel like it is the one thing that might allow me to stand out from other people. Although I am terrified that my writing is complete shit I am trying to throw myself out there and continue to do it. Recently I finished a short story and mustered up the courage to ask people I closley know to read it. So far everyone 'loves it' but I am fairly certain they are blinded since they like me as a person.

Anywho, this is a blog, not a novel! Just going to wrap things up by saying that I am in love with the boy in the bookstore. He's a nerd but I picture myself in his arms when I fall asleep at night. Maybe one day I'll creep him out and let him know that. For now... dreaming with my eyes open.


Personal Note:

None... everything said was already personal ;)

Everty Ever

It's nothing but time and a face

that you lose.

I chose to feel it

And you couldn't choose.

I feel so pretty today and lately I have felt so very, very happy.

Happy with who I am, what I am, and who I will be.

I truly love it here in Chadron. Yeah, my life is a little boring: I probably work too much and play too little. But I am content with my job, and content with my friends, and content where I stand.

I've noticed that I am developing a better sense of humor too. Could that be due to internet? I mean, since I follow tumbr I get a lot of inside jokes, and start stealing a few for myself too.

Blah, this blog post is all over the place and I am too lazy to clean it up.

I wonder if I will pass Accounting II this eight weeks... only one week left to go and I am already fucking it up. Spaced off every assignment so far and it's almost Friday. What is wrong with me?

-My long hair feels good on my shoulders.

-Please stay, Mr Blue skies. I know everyone is saying they are ready for the cold weather but I am not.

-I smell pretty dang good. (Had a dream last night where erin told me I always smell bad)

-Everyone is getting sick and I am feeling better than I have ever felt. Something must be wrong. Unless it isn't.

Personal Note:

PAY OFF YOUR FIRST SEMESTER GOSH DANG NAB IT!

Pride

Well maybe there's a God above

But all I've ever learned from love

Was how to shoot someone who outdrew you

Maybe it's just me but I tend to treat the hot studly men I am secretly attracted to like shit.

And I treat the unattractive, underage, or creepy guys with unimaginable kindness.

Which is why everyone I am NOT attracted to ends up falling in love with me.

And all the hot/cute/attractive guys steer clear.

Why?

Because the creepers and unattractive are not intimidating to me. I feel like I can relate to them. I don't feel the spark so I can be myself around them. And they fall for me like flies to rotting flesh.

And cute guys are highly intimidating so I panic whenever I'm around them and treat them like total shit. It's the only self defense I know. And my stupid brains thinks: 'You will look witty and attractive if you put them down and drag their self esteem to your level!'

So this one guy, who I have had the biggest crush on since I first laid eyes on him in 8th grade, thinks I'm a joke because I've been putting him down for no reason at all my entire life. I call him arrogant, ignorant, ugly, immature, ect.

Which really sucks because he's actually really funny and cool and interesting. And now we go to the same college together and could totally be friends if I wasn't such a loser.

Ache.

You know who this guy is.

You could change this.

But you won't.

Pride is a horrible, horrible thing.

Self pity is the only thing worse.

Yet I possess so much of both.

And I don't know what to do.

*sigh*

Personal Note:

Ditched work to do laundry at Erin's.

Asked her to live with me.

She's scared. I just want to hug her.

Smells like Sunshine

Remember what I said:
There is no shortcut to a dream.
It's all blood and sweat and life is
what you manage in between.


Your house has a smell, whether you know it or not.
I didn't know it until late this summer when I returned home from Cheyenne. But I am absolutely in love with it.
Our house doesn't smell like detergent, or a topical breeze. But if I had to put a name on it it would smell something like air conditioning and sunshine.

Being away from home hasn't made me realize that I've missed it. And I'm not sad about leaving. But I appreciate being here so much more then I ever thought I would. There is something wonderful about opening the fridge and finding actual food in there. Small things, like tape, or a pair of scissors, clippers, or a spare tube of toothpaste when you need it most, were taken for granted in my summer apartment five hours away. Walking outside on green grass, seeing lighting bugs, and blasting music without worrying about the people who live down the hall were also small blessings I missed the most.

Home has been good for me.


Personal Note:

It's strange to say that being home has felt wonderful, but it has.
More people are moving away, and I'll be leaving soon too, but this time I know what I'm doing.
So very excited about college starting back up. Mom even bought me school supplies this year. She's buying a new car today. Oh, and I got to spend some time with a past lover this week. He stayed an extra day so we could say goodbye to each other. How sweet. I hope we stay friends forever.

Searching

And if we are the body,

How's the pretty man get so ugly?

How'd he get all these spaces

Between each limb?

Like I said in my last post, life in WY certainly hasn't been anything like I had hoped.

In fact, my and my roommate are going through some pretty strange periods in our friendship.

For days on end we won't speak to each other, maybe a grunt here and there. I'm not sure that we're mad at each other, although sometimes I'm furious when she'll go out with her friends to a BBQ or something and not tell me.

For now I just in in the living room and read Harry Potter books, hoping to soon complete the series. I work almost every night now, which I guess is good. I'm making money and at least, getting out of the house to converse with other human beings.

Home

Somewhere along the way I have lost my home.

I'm not sure where I'll find it, since

it's been so long

And I've forgotten what to look for.

It's probably somewhere with a real bed,

in a real bedroom,

that I can officially call MINE.

And it'll hold something other than hard liquor in the fridge.

And my dirty clothes won't have to wait a month to be washed.

And maybe home looks like a shower that always a available.

And is held up by walls with pictures of my own friends on them.

Maybe a shaggy dog too,

who loves me despite living with all my flaws.

Because I miss not having to fear whatever it is that I'm doing.

If I want to watch a movie it won't offend someone

trying to sleep.

If I was to lounge on the couch with my feet off the ground,

it won't be against the rules.

And if I want to strip my clothes off after work,

Or leave a dirty plate on the floor for more than a day,

I wont be glared at or though less of.

I don't know where home is,

but I really, really miss it.

Personal Note:

Being lonely is HORRIBLE. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.