Summer Entry

Don't second guess your feeling you were right from the start

And I notice she's your lover but she's nowhere near your heart

This city is for strangers like the sky is for the stars

But I think it's very dangerous if we do not take what's ours.

It's been raining all day.

I felt cursed because I had to walk through it all today for classes, but in reality I'm so excited that IT'S NOT SNOWING.

Each year I look forward to summer for so many reasons. In fact, most years I make a list. Usually my summer expectations fall short, but last summer was the absolute best summer I've ever had. I made tons of new friends, did a lot of unexpected things, tried new events, and even recorded most of it in a small journal.

Here is an entry from Wednesday June 30th 2010:

Camp-Out at cambridge lake - Kelsea tells me not to drink.

Troy is with someone else!

Pass out in a car while everyone else dances

Meet Kansas girls and McConville girls

Kelsea tells me to drive her and Nichole behind Jasmine's boyfriend's truck.

Road is so dusty I can't see anything, meanwhile Kelsea gets sick and scream at me aoub the window being down and the oil light coming on. I'm angry.

Get to the boyfriend's house to pass out... Kelsea throws up.

Absolutly no water in the house, not even coming out the facet. Kelsea is furious with sticky mouth.

Go home promptly the next morning to work.

Ok so that one sounds like it was awful, but in reality was pretty fun and we had some great memories from that night. By drawing at outline at the larger details I can remember the smaller ones. I think that journaling the summer was a great idea. I'm hooked at reading my entries now. Little events I already forgot, just now remembering.

It's something I'll have to do again this year. Espeically since I'm hoping it's gonna be better than last year.

But it'll be hard to beat.

Personal Note:

The end of the semester is going by so rapidly fast I cannot keep up! So many large tests and exams to prepare for! I'm already having stressful dreams about school. (Last night I dreamed I failed a P.E class this semester because I didn't know I was enrolled and never made it to any of the classes. I woke up and for a full minuet thought it was real. Scary! I don't want to fail a class!

Fuck it all

He never saw it coming at all

He never ever saw it coming at all

It's alright it's alright it's alright it's alright it's alright it's alright.

No one's got it all.

I wish there was someone here who gave a fuck.

All I do is listen. Listen listen listen. And what's so wrong with that? We do a lot of learning by listening. I listen to my friends babble about petty problems for the sake of complaining. Because they feel like we give a fuck. I listen to my co-workers bitch and moan about petty problems such as closing the store or being tired of working. Because they feel like we give a fuck.

I know better then that. No one gives a fuck.

On the inside, when someone asks you 'how are you' they really don't give a damn if your doing okay or not. Because really, they are too worried about themselves and their own problems to give two hoots about yours. And I don't blame them. Why should I ask someone to worry about me when they have their own life to attend?

Maybe it's because for once in my life I want someone to listen to me. To ME.

That may sound selfish but I've honestly been skipped and avoided for too long. In conversation I know people want to be listened to. So I ask them not only how their day is going, but why is it going that way? If they are feeling particularliy upset I don't just say "I'm sorry." ...because that's the biggest bullshit lie of a line if I've ever heard one. I don't just say "I know." because I don't. And I don't bring up a story from my own life to compare to theirs, (if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...)

No, I listen. I ponder. I offer advice if asked. I serve empathy, not pity, when needed. And then, when the converstation is over, I bring up my own day. And it's blown off their shoulders like salt. Why? Because I don't talk if no one wants to listen. Because I know when people don't give a fuck. And no one here does. Why waste my time?

I just wish someone here did. I wish I had a relationship with someone who geniuenly cared how I felt when no one is looking. If only...

Personal note: Because no one gives a fuck, I rely on myself to vent to:

Worst night at work ever. Exceptional amount of late night diners... greedy and starving. Our manger was doing inventory and acted like it was the end of the world. She was too busy to answer phones or help with pay-outs. I had to handle tables, phones, and carryout payments all at once. A customer got angry with me when I couldnt't deliver his drink fast enough. A table of snooty old people wanted CREAM or half and half for their coffee. We just had powered packets and they sighted with extreem let down saying 'I GUESS we can make this work somehow." While I worked my ass off serving these people, shutting down salad bar, and taking commands from a very 'exhausted' andrew, not one of them bothered to tip. It wasn't the money I was so mad about. I just wanted to scream, "What?! What the hell did I do wrong?!" Because it fucking hurts when people do that to you. Especially at closing.

Now, Im use to not being tipped. But tonight was particulary awful because I 'freaked out' -as my manager put it. My face got red and they left me alone. I cried in the bathroom. I threw shit around.. broke a plate, and at one point in time ran out side and screamed behind my car. Pretty embaressing shit.

I made a fool out of myself. I tried to laugh it off towards the end of work but it was too late. They were scared of me. And I was scared of myself. So much fucking anger. And no one to care. They let me leave early... which never happens. I'm still upset about it. Look at me. Blogging about it at midnight. I'm a wreak.

And no one gives a fuck.

Phone Calls

This is the moment, that you know-

That you told her that you loved her,

but you don't.

You touch her skin, and then you think-

That she is beautiful,

but she don't mean a thing to me.

Last night by brother called me. We talked over an hour at least. It was Friday night, so he was slightly intoxicated, drinking with his friend Mike. I pretended I was at a party as well, simply because I didn't want him to worry. If I had told him I was sitting in my dorm by myself he would be concerned I didn't have friends or something. Which, I guess, is kind of true.

We talked about life, as always. How we were doing. You know, the regular things that you ask just to get a feel of one another's emotional state. He asked about my boyfriend, and threatened to come beat up anyone who tried to hurt me. He couldn't stress enough about being there to take care of any guy that treats me badly. I think this helps him feel like a real older brother, not just some guy I'm somehow related to.

And then the subject of dad got brought up. The one thing we can relate to each other with. Brother told me about his childhood, his feeling towards both his parents, and how me and my sisters were dad's wake up call. We were his second chance to do right, and not make the same mistakes he did with him. He cried over the phone. I've never seen/heard him do that.

By the end of the conversation he talked about how I need to call him at least once every week. Both him and my dad. "Just think about it, dude." he said to me. "It would make him so happy to hear from you every week. So happy. If you had children that moved out wouldn't you want to hear from them once a week?"

And I answered exactly what was on my mind: "If I had children that moved out I would call them MYSELF at least once a week. Not the other way around."

My father isn't a perfect person. But, although he has hurt me and my brother through many years, we both know he loves us. "I'll do it if you do it." brother told me. "I swear on my life that I'll call him every week if you do. We'll check up on one another."

And although the whole time I was thinking, "Yeah right, no way am I taking time out of my busy life to call dad once a week. He doesn't call me." ....My brother had a point. It would make him happy to hear from me. Estatic, probably. And if you could do something to make your dad happy, wouldn't you want to do it?

I don't know.

I think I might.

Personal Note:

Went to rapid yesterday on a 'dress for success' project strive dealie-o with Danny. It was pretty fun but exhausting because I only got two hours of sleep the night before. Olive Garden, and shopping. It was nice. Bought some new studs for my lip and I can't wait to wear them. I have to find a place with pliers to get the first one off. Then I went to the college play 'What it means to be Earnest' ...which was pretty good. Work today... maybe I'll find the courage to ask the most perfect guy in the world to hang out afterwards.

Then again, probably not.

Spring Crush

Shining like a work of art

Hanging on a wall of stars

Are you what I think you are?

I really truly wish I had more time.

It's April and May will be here any minute. Which means that my first year of college with shortly be over and I will be moving to Wyoming. Which means I will moving away from Chadron for the summer, and away from one person I feel absolutely long to be with.

He's the kindest good looking guy I've ever met who also has the most wonderful personality and humor. I don't think he is looking for anything serious. 99 percent sure he's not into dating. But when he's high or drunk he likes my ass. And only mine.

Does that mean he likes me or does that mean he's simply lonely? Am I the same way?

All I know ist that when I'm around him I just want him to notice me and notice me only. All I know is that I want him. And just him.

All I know is time keeps passing and nothing keeps happening.

A sign that we can't be together? Or that I'm missing my shot?

I don't want to make the first move. But even more than that, I don't want to miss my chance- if I have one.

I have to ask him. Somehow. Someway. Just to know.

Just to know.

Personal Note:

Foam party coming up. Maybe it'll be fun? Mac quit facebook so that she could live in 'real life' for a while. I miss her virtual self. I want to send her message about my new crush and ask for advice because texting sucks. Oh what a strange life we live now-a-days.

800 dollar refund check! Oh, what to spend it on? Because saving means I'll spend it on next year's college books and that's no fun! California? Like hell if I go by myself. Something...

Begining

And it starts, sometime around midnight

At least, thats when you lose yourself

for a minuet or two.

I often ask myself:

When does life finally begin?

Besides the many babysitting jobs I've taken up since I was ten, I started working since I was 14. My first job was a basket worker at the public pool, which was miserable. Then I moved onwards to more babysitting and taking up a job at a local grocery store for the next three and a half years, along with working at a retirement home serving the rich and snotty elderly folks who couldn't be more sad and angry in the last day of their lives.

After moving and leaving those jobs I began college in hopes that now, finally, my life would somehow magically start. But all the money I had saved dissappeared in seconds. I started working at Pizza Hut, and took up a second job at Walmart. I lost all the friends I had made a school.

As I said before, I quit Walmart. I do not regret quitting in the least bit. I'm never going back to that place. But the hut gave me just as many hours to make up for the ones I had lost at my second job. Which means my life is all about working.

My mother keeps photo albums of every track meet my sisters' participate in. They have been winning medals, trophies, awards, reconition, news paper articals, radio shout outs, and one was even on the cover of the Omaha World Herald. I have yet to even leave a scrap of a mark on the world. When is it my turn?

And just thinking about it now I realize that I am going to be working until I die. There is no getting past that. I will literally be doing job after job after job until I pass away. Life has already started. And this is it:

I come home six days out of seven to a lonely room with two lonely beds because not even my roommate finds me worth a visit. I force myself to brush my teeth and take a shower because I'm losing faith in the reasons behind them. What's the use of trying? I go to classes where no pays attention to each other. Then lunch with friends who have all already found their significant other and could care less how I look. Then I go to more classes. Then I got to work, where I end up smelling like grease anyway.

I just want to do something other than work. Please god, let there be more to life than this.

Personal Note:

Still having seriously angry dreams. 90 percent of them at my mother for treating me unfairly. It's gotten so bad now that I had to google it, and found that I might have suppressed anger I am not allowing myself to feel conciuosly. I can see that being pretty true about now. I am thinking about making a spontanious roadtrip to see my brother in California. I don't see it working out. Oh well. That's my life I guess.