Begining

And it starts, sometime around midnight

At least, thats when you lose yourself

for a minuet or two.

I often ask myself:

When does life finally begin?

Besides the many babysitting jobs I've taken up since I was ten, I started working since I was 14. My first job was a basket worker at the public pool, which was miserable. Then I moved onwards to more babysitting and taking up a job at a local grocery store for the next three and a half years, along with working at a retirement home serving the rich and snotty elderly folks who couldn't be more sad and angry in the last day of their lives.

After moving and leaving those jobs I began college in hopes that now, finally, my life would somehow magically start. But all the money I had saved dissappeared in seconds. I started working at Pizza Hut, and took up a second job at Walmart. I lost all the friends I had made a school.

As I said before, I quit Walmart. I do not regret quitting in the least bit. I'm never going back to that place. But the hut gave me just as many hours to make up for the ones I had lost at my second job. Which means my life is all about working.

My mother keeps photo albums of every track meet my sisters' participate in. They have been winning medals, trophies, awards, reconition, news paper articals, radio shout outs, and one was even on the cover of the Omaha World Herald. I have yet to even leave a scrap of a mark on the world. When is it my turn?

And just thinking about it now I realize that I am going to be working until I die. There is no getting past that. I will literally be doing job after job after job until I pass away. Life has already started. And this is it:

I come home six days out of seven to a lonely room with two lonely beds because not even my roommate finds me worth a visit. I force myself to brush my teeth and take a shower because I'm losing faith in the reasons behind them. What's the use of trying? I go to classes where no pays attention to each other. Then lunch with friends who have all already found their significant other and could care less how I look. Then I go to more classes. Then I got to work, where I end up smelling like grease anyway.

I just want to do something other than work. Please god, let there be more to life than this.

Personal Note:

Still having seriously angry dreams. 90 percent of them at my mother for treating me unfairly. It's gotten so bad now that I had to google it, and found that I might have suppressed anger I am not allowing myself to feel conciuosly. I can see that being pretty true about now. I am thinking about making a spontanious roadtrip to see my brother in California. I don't see it working out. Oh well. That's my life I guess.