Fuck it all

He never saw it coming at all

He never ever saw it coming at all

It's alright it's alright it's alright it's alright it's alright it's alright.

No one's got it all.

I wish there was someone here who gave a fuck.

All I do is listen. Listen listen listen. And what's so wrong with that? We do a lot of learning by listening. I listen to my friends babble about petty problems for the sake of complaining. Because they feel like we give a fuck. I listen to my co-workers bitch and moan about petty problems such as closing the store or being tired of working. Because they feel like we give a fuck.

I know better then that. No one gives a fuck.

On the inside, when someone asks you 'how are you' they really don't give a damn if your doing okay or not. Because really, they are too worried about themselves and their own problems to give two hoots about yours. And I don't blame them. Why should I ask someone to worry about me when they have their own life to attend?

Maybe it's because for once in my life I want someone to listen to me. To ME.

That may sound selfish but I've honestly been skipped and avoided for too long. In conversation I know people want to be listened to. So I ask them not only how their day is going, but why is it going that way? If they are feeling particularliy upset I don't just say "I'm sorry." ...because that's the biggest bullshit lie of a line if I've ever heard one. I don't just say "I know." because I don't. And I don't bring up a story from my own life to compare to theirs, (if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...)

No, I listen. I ponder. I offer advice if asked. I serve empathy, not pity, when needed. And then, when the converstation is over, I bring up my own day. And it's blown off their shoulders like salt. Why? Because I don't talk if no one wants to listen. Because I know when people don't give a fuck. And no one here does. Why waste my time?

I just wish someone here did. I wish I had a relationship with someone who geniuenly cared how I felt when no one is looking. If only...

Personal note: Because no one gives a fuck, I rely on myself to vent to:

Worst night at work ever. Exceptional amount of late night diners... greedy and starving. Our manger was doing inventory and acted like it was the end of the world. She was too busy to answer phones or help with pay-outs. I had to handle tables, phones, and carryout payments all at once. A customer got angry with me when I couldnt't deliver his drink fast enough. A table of snooty old people wanted CREAM or half and half for their coffee. We just had powered packets and they sighted with extreem let down saying 'I GUESS we can make this work somehow." While I worked my ass off serving these people, shutting down salad bar, and taking commands from a very 'exhausted' andrew, not one of them bothered to tip. It wasn't the money I was so mad about. I just wanted to scream, "What?! What the hell did I do wrong?!" Because it fucking hurts when people do that to you. Especially at closing.

Now, Im use to not being tipped. But tonight was particulary awful because I 'freaked out' -as my manager put it. My face got red and they left me alone. I cried in the bathroom. I threw shit around.. broke a plate, and at one point in time ran out side and screamed behind my car. Pretty embaressing shit.

I made a fool out of myself. I tried to laugh it off towards the end of work but it was too late. They were scared of me. And I was scared of myself. So much fucking anger. And no one to care. They let me leave early... which never happens. I'm still upset about it. Look at me. Blogging about it at midnight. I'm a wreak.

And no one gives a fuck.